How to Mentor Your Child: Step 4

Openly Display and Model Repentance and Humility

Let’s face the facts. We are not going to be perfect at mentoring our children. I, myself, have accidentally aligned myself with satan’s vision for my children rather than God’s vision for them. I have been impatient with them. I have been unkind. I have failed at being a loving parent to them. But even in the face of this, this does not make me a bad mother. Failure is not the end. It is an invitation to a new beginning. It also gives me an opportunity to show my children what to do when failures happen.

The best thing we can do for our children is to humble ourselves when we come short of who God has called us to be and to ask them for forgiveness. This shows them that they do not have to be perfect and what to do when mistakes are made. This also is very healing for our children and will work to show your child that you are not a hypocrite, but practice what you preach. Humility displayed towards our children when we mess up is a ministry of its own. It also helps the child to be able to process that THEY were not at fault for what happened and to process their pain in a healthy way that will allow them to move on from this more fully, without holding onto painful baggage.

Satan likes to make us feel like we have one shot at life and that we are hopeless when we make mistakes. God says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). This means that when we mess up, there is hope and we are not stuck there. This is not who we are and we can and will change with God’s help. Failures are not something we should be ashamed of. Times of failures are the best life lessons and times where we have the opportunity to get healing in areas of our lives that we were not aware needed to be healed. They are not places of shame but OPPORTUNITY!

“There is no condemnation now for those who live in union with Christ Jesus.”

Romans‬ ‭8:1‬ ‭GNT‬‬

Pain is actually a gift from God to reveal places where he wants to heal us and make us whole. It is an invitation to come into wholeness with Him. We must be intentional about accepting these invitations and not embracing what Satan tells us in place of those invitations. God will never leave you. God will never abandon you. Pain is not rejection from God. Failure is not even disappointing to God. So with this in mind, we can feel safe humbling ourselves to our children when we mess up and fail as parents, knowing that this is an opportunity to share God’s mercy and the gospel to our children in real life.

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How to Mentor Your Child: Step 3

Love Your Child Unconditionally

I want to share a vision for who God has called YOU to be to your child and family: be LOVE incarnate. “Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all….. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up” (1 Corinthians 13:4a, 5-7 TPT).

“Love is large and incredibly patient… Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up”

(1 Corinthians 13:4a, 7 TPT)

Choose to love your child, regardless of how they are acting. Be that safe place for your child. Be a vision holder for your child. Hold on to that vision and do not let it go, no matter how they are acting. Treat your child not as their actions render them but as God defines them. This will make room for them to grow and change and will exhort them to become worthy of how you are already treating them. Choose connection over self protection even when it is scary or uncomfortable. Love is the best invitation to change. Be love incarnate to your child.

How to Mentor Your Child: Step 1

Have a Vision of Who Your Child Is and Who They Were Created to Become

Now to start off, let’s talk about what that does NOT mean. Sometimes the easiest way to understand what something IS is to know what is IS NOT. This vision is not something you come up with on you own. It is NOT something you get based on your own bias, agenda, hopes and dreams formed from past hurts and personal disappointments. For example, you don’t want to be that parent that pushes football on your child because you didn’t get to accomplish your own dream of becoming a football star. Especially if that child has a very limited natural interest in football. Not to mention if this is not God’s plan or design for your child.

Our children ultimately do not belong to us. We need to see our children as Gods work of art and that we are his hands and feet to mold them into who God has created them to be and who they are. I heard once that an artist does not see a block of marble as whatever they want it to become, but that they have a higher vision from the maker of the of the marble what that marble is destined to become. Then they simply remove everything from the marble that is not that vision.

We must call forth their destiny and their purpose by having an understanding of who they are. But how do we do this practically? We need to spend time in prayer asking God to give us a vision of who our child really is in God’s eyes and what He has created them to be and who they are.

There are a lot of obvious automatics for all children and people. God has called us all to walk in love and to know Him and live a life connected to His love (Matthew 22: 36-40). So if you are not sure the exacts of what they are called to be yet, you can always be sure that the foundation of that calling is to be a little Jesus that goes around loving others and changing lives through their love (Ephesians 5:1-2), while having a life connection to God, which sustains them in all that they do (John 15:4). That will always be the theme of their calling no matter what the actual details are meant to become.

Basics for who your child is (regardless of habits and behavior):

1. They are kind and loving to siblings

2. They are obedient and loving to parents

3. They are honest

4. They are gentle

5. They are helpful

6. They are selfless

7. They are loving

8. They are compassionate

9. They standup for what is right

10. Their life is an act of worship to God

11. They are passionately loved by their creator

12. They are special and unique

13. God has a special and unique plan and purpose for their life (Jeremiah 28:11)

14. They are uniquely creative

15. They have a genius all their own

16. They have incredible value that cannot be altered or destroyed in anyway, no matter what

17. They are lovers of God and not lovers of passion

18. They love others more than themselves and put others first

19. They are wise

20. They are full of joy

21. They are full of peace

22. They are good

23. They are self controlled

24. They fear the Lord and not man

25. They are more than conquerors

26. They are overcomers

27. They are lead by the Spirit of the Lord

28. They are fulfilled by God’s love

29. They can hear God’s voice and direction in their life

30. They have a hope and a future

How to Mentor Your Child: Step 2

Pray and Speak God’s Vision into Existence

Now another basic understanding we need to have for our children is that they are MORE than how they are behaving. Our actions and behavior do not define who we are more than what God says we are. His vision wins out. That being said, we need to get into the habit of not calling our children or labeling them as things that they are NOT. An example is if they are ACTING disrespectful towards you, you should NOT say, “child, you are a disrespectful brat.” I understand we can all become frustrated in hard moments with our children, but we must be careful with our words and make sure that they are aligned with the truth of who our child IS and not who satan wants them to become.

A more productive and life-giving correction for your child in a situation where their behavior is not reflecting their true identity would be to say, “child, this is not you. You are acting disrespectful, but you are a respectful, and honoring child. That is who you are. I do not like this behavior because it does not align with who you are. Let’s discuss what is going on inside you that is leading you to behave in a way that is contrary to who God has made you to be.” Then, we talk with our children and connect with them on a heart to heart level and find out what is going on on the inside. I have heard that behavior can be thought of like a glacier; more is going on under the surface than can be seen. Maybe bad behavior should be seen as an ask for help rather than an invitation to be punished and shamed.

Now again I want to remind you that the list of vision statements listed in Step 1 of How to Mentor Your Child are God’s vision statements for your children that you must speak and pray into existence. You must be the best advocate for your child and it starts with BELIEVING these things about your child. YOUR CHILD IS MORE THAN HOW THEY BEHAVE. Part of loving your child is believing in them, and we do that by believing these things about them even in the face of them displaying behavior contrary to these vision statements.

The most powerful thing anyone can do for someone else is to love them when they are acting unloveable. It truly is life changing. Maybe, it would be helpful to see bad behavior in our children as a soul crying out to be shown that they are worthy of love regardless of how they are acting. I know that is something that I wanted so badly when I was a child. I just wanted to be understood and pursued. I think if you are honest with yourself, you might recognize that in yourself as well. I think this is possibly something that has been stamped on mankind. That is why, while we were yet sinners, Jesus died for us (Romans 5:8). That is why it was so powerful. He showed all of mankind that we are valuable to Him in the midst of our ugliness. We don’t have to earn our value, it is an intrinsic fact. We are made in His image and as such, have immeasurable value. That is why in the midst of us not choosing Him, He choses us. Our children need this message, and they need it from us too. You, me, your child, and everyone else in this world is deeply loved and pursued by God and we all need this kind of Love. Knowing this for me, makes it easier for me to choose mercy and grace and connection with my child in the face of their bad behavior. What about for you?